Yeah, I know, everyone’s quoting Queen every time they reference Anthony Scaramucci, but don’t hate the game, hate the player who makes himself such an easy fucking target.

Little Douche the Mooch is trying to out-Stephen-Miller Stephen Miller. Remember Stephen Miller, the thin-featured 80s action-movie-villain who swore that the president’s powers would not be questioned? Well, Little Douche the Mooch won’t play second fiddle to such a weaselly looking twerp, and is quickly establishing himself as the second most famous character from American Psycho to come to life in the trump administration (those reflective aviator sunglasses aren’t going to date-rape themselves, you know). So how is he trying to out-Stephen-Miller Stephen Miller? Let’s ask Ryan Lizza, the Washington correspondent for The New Yorker who was fortunate enough to receive an angry phone call from Little Douche the Mooch demanding to know who leaked the details of his dinner with trump, Melania, Sean Hannity, and Bill Shine (the man who inherited Fox News after Roger Ailes pussy-grabbed his way out of his job).

During the phone call, Little Douche the Mooch threatened Ryan Lizza, Reince Priebus, every single presidential assistant, and probably every one of you reading this, because he’s just that swell of a guy.

When Lizza declined to name his source, LDM swore he would fire every last presidential aide, thereby rendering Lizza’s source-protection moot.

But LDM wasn’t finished. He then stated that Reince Priebus will soon be out of a job. And then he got mad.

  • “Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac,”
  • [impersonating Reince Preibus]
    “ ‘Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.’ ”
  • “What I want to do is I want to fucking kill all the leakers and I want to get the President’s agenda on track so we can succeed for the American people.”
  • “This is going to get cleaned up very shortly, O.K.? Because I nailed these guys. I’ve got digital fingerprints on everything they’ve done through the F.B.I. and the fucking Department of Justice.”
  • “Yeah, let me go, though, because I’ve gotta start tweeting some shit to make [Reince Priebus] crazy.”
  • “They’re trying to resist me, but it’s not going to work. I’ve done nothing wrong on my financial disclosures, so they’re going to have to go fuck themselves.”
  • “I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock. I’m not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the President. I’m here to serve the country.”

Throughout the call, LDM referred to himself in the third person, even calling himself, “The Mooch”.

As soon as the call ended, two things happened.

1. Stephen Miller wept openly in Kellyanne Conway’s arms, and

2. Little Douche the Mooch tweeted this:

He quickly deleted it, but since the Internet is forever, thousands of media websites immediately saved a screen grab.

What’s that felony he’s talking about?

Well, LDM is about to find himself having to explain away some inconvenient financial gains via SkyBridge Capital. Read all about it at Politico.

We can only hope that someone is working on a set of trading cards for this administration before they all disappear.

Here’s your Little Douche the Mooch picture: