Looks like we are in for another busy news day.
Ever since word got out that somebody’s President invited Russian envoys and a TASS press crew into the Oval Office for a cordial chin-wag and an impromptu peek into his classified scrapbook of “awesome U.S. intelligence,” things have gotten–shall we say—a bit fucked up out here.
- The National Weather Service has upgraded the trump administration to a Category 5 hurricane. Mandatory evacuation orders are in effect.
- NORAD is at Defcon 2 and closing the blast doors at Cheyenne Mountain.
- Airline flight attendants are shouting a looped chorus of: “Brace! Brace! Heads down; stay down!” at passengers.
- Beltway storm trackers are shaking their Fujita Tornado Intensity Scale manuals to see if an F-6 designation somehow will fall out of it.
- Homeland Security has elevated National Terrorism Advisory System’s alert status from “Buy a helmet” to “Put on the helmet”
- The captain is sounding the “Dive Warning” horn, while leaning hard into the bow planes controller.
- The Green Room at Fox has cranked up the Muzak volume and is serving liquor straight up, while frantic interns are fluffing the assemblage of contributing “throw pillows” and readying them for on-air analyses with random talking point flash cards and screaming doses of Adderall. Producers are raising the hemlines of all the skirts and duct-taping Shepard Smith to an office chair. Writers are hammering out “Blame Obama and the Democrats” scripts, and the network suits upstairs have issued an APB for Kellyanne Conway to boost Prime Time fire power.
And none of this is funny. But what else can we do but queue the Bob Ross videos and double-up on unscheduled naps. Shoes are gonna drop anyway.