(Reuters) May 3, 2017
Washington DC— Late yesterday the White House Secret Service detail, in advance of what the agency expects to be a globe-trotting Presidency, got their first glimpse of the new prototype Presidential limousine. In coming weeks a team of agency security experts, with NASCAR driver, Joey Logano, as chief consultant, will be conducting extensive road tests to evaluate the radical new design, requested by then-candidate, Donald Trump, via Twitter tantrum earlier last year.
Recently appointed head of Secret Service, Randolph “Tex” Alles, told a gathering of White House reporters, “The President’s security team (pictured above) had hoped to take it out for a spin today” but sudden inclement weather had forced agents to surrender the keys due to hazardous road conditions. “We can’t risk getting a scratch on this baby” he added.
He wryly quipped, “It’ll be code-named Bling Buggy and it’s quite a departure from what we are used to.”
Reading from a soggy printed spec sheet, Alles noted: “It comes equipped with the latest bells and whistles–literally! Check out those twin side-mounted, state-of-of-the-art ‘InstaPanic™’ by GhostBuster® alarm bells; and the updated grill-mounted Invectivator™ dog whistles. The President’s fans will just go crazy when he pulls up in this <expletive deleted> thing!”
Holding an umbrella in one hand and gliding his other across the hi-gloss, graffiti-repellent paint job, until coming to rest upon a gold-leafed rococo headlamp assembly, Alles winked at reporters and clucked; “Just wait till the Limeys and those snobby Krauts get a load of this baby. I bet they’ve never even seen authentic Corinthian leather before”
Then a reporter asked, “When might we expect to see the new Hair Farce One ready to fly”?
The press gaggle instantly fell silent before the unidentified reporter was grabbed and dragged by his credentials lanyard into a black SUV that spun its wet tires— hydroplaning the length of the block, before fishtailing around the corner and disappearing down a side street.
As the press corp began looking at each other in sullen disbelief, the awkward silence was interrupted when Director Alles suddenly clapped his hands together and shouted, “Whaddya say? Let’s go to Starbucks and get outta this <expletive deleted> rain. I’m buying.”
(h/t to Imbecile for this space)